Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Turkeypants Rant Series: Scatting = Verbal Littering

Have you ever found yourself listening to the radio at night (in Salt Lake City), flipping through the radio stations while driving home, when you hear some cool jazz music? So you leave it playing, because it's not commercials, and besides, you feel obligated to listen to jazz because you think it might be sophisticated? After a few songs, and a little education on what Miles Davis sounds like, all of a sudden your ears are accosted with the ridiculous sound of nonsensical shrill babbling.

Oh, that has happened to you, too?

It's called "scatting," and it is an integral part of jazz music. Well, jazz enthusiasts, I'll go with you through Jazzland with Louis Armstrong, and Ella Fitzgerald, and even Billie Holliday, but as soon as they start with the "ba doo bee bop bwah bop de dop," in unison with the improvising brass instruments, I am stabbing myself in the eardrums in a desperate attempt to make it stop. Or simply changing the station, on the off chance that I don't have ice picks with me.

It's hard to put the ridiculousness of this type of "singing" into words; so let me just say that hearing scatting is the audio equivalent of walking along a city street and seeing litter on the sidewalk. It shouldn't be there, it's ugly, annoying, and you wish the person who put it there had a few manners, or common courtesy. The world is ugly enough (and loud enough) without us adding additional pollution to our MUSIC, for the love.

It's no coincidence that "scat" is also a word for animal feces. When they chose the word to describe this type of "singing," they knew what they were doing. Can’t we all come together to ensure that the vocals in our music are real words, and not just noise? That is a cause I believe everyone can get behind.

Let's all resolve to rid the world of all pollution, both in the form of littering, and scatting.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

If You Write it, They Will Comment

Changes are afoot on this blog. Namely, there are a lot of comments on some of the entries! I have discovered through extensive, scientific, empirical data crunching that this is directly proportional to the frequency and content of the blog entries I write. Therefore, I am resolving to keep it up. I am cleaning up the place, trying to make it a little less default, and I will try to keep the graphical headers rotating. I'm sure you will remind me if they don’t; and I thank you for your reminders.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Telephone = Nineteenth Century

I hate to talk to people on phones. I try to avoid ever having to call anyone on the phone, unless they are my wife or a friend. Talking to people on the phone is a blind, awkward, time-wasting experience that must be avoided at all costs.

I felt this way even before electronic communications such as email, instant messaging, and texting existed. Now that those technologies do exist, which allow you to contact people at your own leisure, and allow the recipients to respond at their leisure, the telephone has become an even more loathsome, antiquated means of communication. It's like a salesman character from the era of Perry Mason, barging in on your peaceful workday or weekend, demanding your instant attention, practically yelling, with a tinny, blaring voice. All in black and white— and not the good kind of black and white, either.

If you would like to get a hold of me, the best way is email. I might have said instant messaging 9 months ago, but I have since resorted to only logging in every few hours, to increase my productivity. If you do happen to catch me on iChat, chat away. You could even video chat with me. If I am online, then it must mean I'm not too busy. Or I just forgot to log off. The second best way to contact me is to text me.

The absolute worst thing a potential contact could do is to cold call me, ask me for something, and then brazenly suggest that I need to call them back. You might as well threaten my wife and family if you're going to call me when I have no idea who you are, and don't have time to talk. You actually asked me to return your call? Seriously? That is the fastest way to turn me against you and everything you stand for. I will most likely fight night and day to destroy your existence and all the enterprises in which you are involved. I know a cop, and you might just find yourself slammed up against the hood of his cop car if you try something as foolish as calling me, unprovoked and out of the blue, and saying, "Do you know any students who are interested in designing a website for free? Because it would be a good portfolio piece. Call me back as soon as you can." I can think of friends I have had killed for something FAR less offensive.

In summary, I hate telephones, I don't have any time, and no, I don't know any students that want to design a website for your startup business.

* this post may or may not contain high levels of exaggeration and/sarcasm. And if it does, I will never say how much.